Thursday, October 21, 2010

Radically honest man tarred, feathered

December, 20, 2010 - Oklahoma City, OK ---

Police removed local geologist Matt Price from the Petroleum building where he was hanging for two hours after being tarred and feathered by disgruntled former friends and colleagues. Patrolman Derrick Quinn reported, "We had to wait for the angry mob to disperse. Man, do they hate radical honesty."

Anonymous sources confirmed that the incident began a little after 5:45 pm, when Mr. Price abruptly commandeered the podium from the Keynote Speaker at the State Department of Energy conference. Reportedly, he asked conference attendees, "You think you'll be drawing a pension in ten years after the state pension fund defaults?," and going on to say, "Infinite economic growth on a finite planet is impossible. The fact is, we're all going to be poorer than poor. This is the beginning of the end for America... I just hope we can keep the water running and the lights on."

Assistant Vice President Wendy Bingham observed the tarring and feathering but did not participate. "I didn't feel like the mob would respect my authority if I told them to stand down," she said. "First there was the shouting and stripping, and then someone got on Twitter and all of a sudden there were like ninety-five people here. Some of them had torches. But I have no idea where the tar came from."

"I'll say this for Matt - he didn't go down without a struggle. Last thing I heard, he was yelling something about humanure."

Mob participant Andrew Jacobs appeared sheepish after the incident. "At first Radical Honesty wasn't so bad. It was like, 'your breath smells like wet dog,' and other funny s%^t. Then Matt started reading some whacked-out website called TOD or LATOC, or something. That's when he started talking about NINJA loans and net energy returns and Export Land Models. I wouldn't have minded too much except he always turned out to be right. Why couldn't he understand that too much reality is painful?"

Crowd member and college roommate Jason Brinks was still pumped from the excitement of the event. "Whoooo, that feels good!" he reported. When asked how Mr. Price had antagonized him, Mr. Brinks said, "Well, mainly he suggested that inviting my thirty closest buddies to Vegas for my bachelor party was going to create enough carbon emissions to drown a couple of children on some island somewhere. Man, I don't need that on my karma. But I really, reeeeeally want to go to Vegas."

Matt's cousin Monica was also spotted in the crowd, although she claimed to be an innocent bystander. "I have to give him credit. Matt wanted to improve the world with his Radical Honesty, because he had some idea about not being able to solve problems if we couldn't talk about them first. I could handle the info about resource depletion, unprecedented species extinctions, frightening levels of topsoil loss and imminent planetary eco-cide. But then he started talking about all these kinds of 'flations, telling me there wasn't going to be any retirement left and no college for the kids. That's when it all got too serious, and I had to block him on Facebook."

After being removed from the flagpole off the second story of the building, Mr. Price admitted that the Radical Honesty program was "considerably flawed." He went on, "Dr. Blanton says that you need to be totally honest to be in real relationship with other people and that lying is the primary source of modern human stress. Basically, that turned out to be BS. My wife left me after I was radically honest about my attraction to her sister, my parents still aren't talking to me after I said they'd be dead in five years if they didn't lose sixty pounds each, and frankly my prospects for promotion at this point are looking pretty slim. Also, being tarred and feathered was highly stressful. Way more stressful than lying."

Close friend and closet prepper "John Smith" was credited with preventing a lynching. "That mob was hungry for blood, but they eventually settled for torture and humiliation," he said. "I tried to warn Matt this would happen. You can't really be truthful about this stuff with people who wouldn't know an exponential population curve from a hole in the ground. It's too far out of their experience, it's too overwhelming. That's why I go with sugarcoating and manipulation. Positive spin, that's how I roll."


When asked if he would continue with the program, Mr. Price replied, "Hell, no. I thought people would respect me for my principled, honest assessment of reality, but it didn't turn out that way. So now I'm going back to regular old silence and deceit - right after I get someone to clean this tar out of my crack."

Friday, October 8, 2010

The iFinger

February, 2012 - - - East Coast Federation, United States

Apple today announced record sales of the recently released iFinger implants. Although smaller than the iBellyTop and the iForearm, the iFinger continues the concept of a wafer-thin chip-screen embedded in the human body, available around the clock and at any location for viewing Internet, videos, and music. Apple proclaimed, "The iFinger technology will change life as we know it across the planet forever in every way possible."

The iFinger, like it's implant predecessors, continues to be attacked by some consumer activists. Public Interest Research group spokesman Brad Wither criticized the iBody line of technology, saying, "Reports from consumers clearly show that the nuclear battery is prone to leakage, which could be a major carcinogen both in the body and the environment." Apple headquarters refuted this assertion, claiming, "None of our studies have shown that nuclear leakage has led to cancer, in humans, yet, as far as we know." Since the chip-screen technology has only been released in the last 6 months, it is unclear which federal department regulates the nuclear-powered implants, and currently there is no government oversight on the production or disposal of the technology.

With the million-iFinger mark passed on Monday, it's clear that consumers are embracing the progressively smaller media implants. Local consultant Seth Godead exclaimed, "I'm totally the coolest person at my office! Aside from the other fourteen people who have one."

The iFinger has experienced some consumer backlash, however. About 5% of consumers report that the implant leaves their fingers itchy, red, and twitching. Others report excruciating pain at the implantation sites. Apple's public relations department commented, "We sympathize with our consumers and are actively working on advancements to address this concern. In the meantime, that's what Oxycodone prescriptions are for."

Some companies are not as enthusiastic about the chip-screen implants their employees have adopted. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a national marketing manager reported that all his iBody employees were "drugged-up zombies who make annoying clicking sounds when they type and can't complete a sentence," and continued, "Thanks for nothing, Apple."

The United States leads global iFinger sales even as unemployment passes 29% and foreclosures continue to break records. The iFingers, which are much less expensive than the iBellyTop or the iForearm, have proven popular among the homeless, who otherwise lack access to mediatainment. Apple salesmen report that their homeless clients appreciate the nuclear batteries, which don't need recharging, and the associated cochlear implants, which have been reported 88% effective in drowning out snoring.

It remains to be seen whether the iFinger will live up to Apple's promise to change life as we know it across the planet forever in every way possible. Despite advances in communications, information, and entertainment over the past decade, some believe that recent technology improvements have contributed little to the quality of life of the average person. A growing grassroots movement demands that corporations and government redirect their attention to address "critical issues" such as the massive economic crisis, climate change and peak oil, claiming that all available resources need to be focused on finding effective solutions for these problems.

Others deny a connection. NYU freshman Simon Barknut III, Jr. , asks, "OK, but, what do something change and peak whatever have to do with my Constitutional right to implant nuclear technology in my finger and my God-given freedom to watch Internet porn whenever I want, whether I'm in McDonalad's, the library, or driving home drunk from a frat party? Nothing, obviously!" He added, "This is precisely the kind of freedom our troops are fighting for in Overthereistan."